I have been absent from this blog for too long. Doing the marathon, and working, and parenting, and living, has been taking up all my time and energy. But I have been desperately wanting to get back in to it. I was reading another blog recently, and a wise woman said if you want to get good at something, you have to practice it. You have to give it a go every day and work to get better. Well, I can’t promise every day, but I’ll certainly try to be a bit more regular than previously…
I think part of the reason I have been keen to get back to blogging is, writing helps. It helps me clear my head. It helps me reach out to others. And it helps me reflect and move forward. I remember things better and I put it to good use. I’m needing that right now. For some reason, I have entered a bit of an emotional rabbit hole recently. I don’t know if it’s hormones or my ‘not-quite-regular-enough’ medication administration, or a bit of everything really. But today I need to do something important, and it’s made me want to put something down in writing again.
I need to remember my Gran, out loud (so to speak). My wonderful Gran passed away over two years ago now. I think about her all the time, and miss her terribly. But today it really hit me. Today I was thinking how devastating it is that I will never get to spend any more time with her. She will never get to meet The Munchkin, who she would have been head over heels for (and vice versa, no doubt about it). I so desperately wish she was still here. To give her a cuddle, to laugh with her, to share a cup of tea, pop to the shops, anything really.
And when things are difficult, I think to myself that she would make it better. Just by being here. So today I had a bit of a cry about it. I haven’t thought about it head on for a good while. And it hurt, the realisation how much I miss her. How much we all could do with her around. How much she did for us, and how much she loved us all.
But she is with me all the time. Which I know sounds cheesy. But it’s also true. She is with me when I think about Christmas, my favourite time of the year. She always made it so special for us, and some of my favourite memories involve my Gran and Christmas. She’s with me whenever I hear Nat King Cole, her favourite singer. When I was pregnant with The Munchkin, I had a little playlist of songs which remind me of my Gran and I would play them to my tummy. I explained to him that whilst he would never get to meet her, he would know her through me. And I promise I will keep that promise to him. I think of her when I see The Munchkin enjoying some hearty comfort-food dish, like mince and tatties. And I think how much he would have enjoyed her cooking, as I did when I was little (and bigger…).
Today, when I was upset and thinking about all the times we’ve missed my Gran not being with us, I wished for something I could do to be closer to her. And I found myself thinking the best way I can do that is to be there for my family and spend time with them. To take time for myself and make sure I’m looking after myself – she wouldn’t want it any other way. So, I’m going to spend time with my baby boy, who’s not really a baby anymore but a proper toddler. (How did that happen?). Because he makes me laugh every day, and I’m so blessed to be able to spend my days with him. I’m going to thrill in absolutely cherishing him. I’m going to get better at cooking him the comfort food I so enjoyed growing up, and I’m going to bake for him. The delicious memories of my Gran having whipped up a casual Victoria Sponge or two make me want to delve in to the recipes she made and recreate them for my baby. Boy, is he going to be well fed!
I’m going to make more of an effort to have proper family time with The Munchkin and The Husband, and spend quality time with family and friends. I’m also going to write. I’m going to write about whatever I bloody well like. And I’m going to enjoy it. There will also be time for some melodramatic television detectives and a cup of tea. Because that’s how my Gran would want it, and how I want it too. If you are sitting out there struggling with missing someone, do something which makes you feel closer to them and makes you feel happy. You owe it to yourself, and to them, to make time in your life for it.